If They Could Save Time in a Bottle

MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES OF WEIGHT WATCHERS MAIN OFFICE OF GREEN BAY:

I am aware that our leave guidelines seem a little strict upon first glance, but this is just a reminder that if you are not feeling well, please, please do not come to work. Every full time employee is allotted seven sick days per year and we urge you to take them. There is no point in coming into the office and either infecting another staff member or being unproductive. Susan from Public Relations was sneezing repeatedly in the kitchen today and we don't need everyone getting a cold. Meanwhile, Glen from Enrollment doesn't seem to be shaking the flu and he has been frustratingly lethargic in meetings. Finally, I was walking past Jerry's cubicle this morning and saw that he came into work today as nothing more than a hipbone. Regardless of the events which led to his current state, I think we can all agree that if you're nothing but a hipbone, you're not going to get much done and should take sick leave. While I admire Jerry's dedication, it takes time to recover from being reduced by illness or misadventure to being nothing more than a hipbone, and this is time better spent at home. This edict goes for all serious conditions, whether it be an employee engulfed in from head to toe in fire, as happened last month with Betsy from Billing, or one who has already been given last rites by a priest (Stan, we're glad you beat total organ failure, but next time, just rest up a little more before coming back). Also, there is no need to phone in late for a meeting if you are literally in the process of being stabbed seven times by a mugger (Thomas G.) or to call and ask someone to cover your desk because your car is in actual mid-spin from being sideswiped by a tractor trailer a split second before (Jennifer B.). Wait for these situations to resolve themselves, go to the hospital, and THEN contact your supervisor. And if your heart suddenly stops for eight full seconds during lung surgery, Paula S., that is not the time to dial into the network to make sure your Out of Office message is extended; get better and worry about that later. Oh, and here's a good rule of thumb, Gavin G.: if you find yourself trapped under water for ANY reason again and oxygen is rapidly running out, put thoughts of falling behind on updating the sales spreadsheet out of your head just long enough to get back to the surface; I don't need my Blackberry vibrating with a message from you about how you'll be a little late uploading the sheet to the server when you should be focusing on scratching and clawing your way to the nearest source of air. Long story short, if you wake up and you're just a HIPBONE, for God's sake, think of something else besides the admittedly strict leave guidelines and get back into bed. Thank you for your attention.

P.S. Doughnuts in the kitchen, big fat honking sugary death-bringers, so have at it.