Oh God, It's That Guy Again
Hey, thank you very much for giving me the restroom key---I appreciate that. Lots of bookstores would take one look at my unshaven, haggard face and my torn, filthy clothing and not let me go in there. Anyway, I must admit I’ve asked you for the key under false pretenses----you see, I was really more curious to see what sort of thing you had attached the key to. I notice it’s a small ceramic mug---very cute, very nice. But have you really considered all your options here? Allow me to introduce myself, Susan: my name is Benjamelt Yost, and I represent AttachCo, Michigan’s most prominent manufacturer, distributor, and servicer of objects that small businesses can hook their restroom keys to. For more than eleven years, we’ve catered to the small businessman with our personal touch and wide variety of objects that tell your customers, “Yes, you can use our restroom, but good luck making off with the means of entry!” Sure, you’re tempted daily to go “upscale” and buy some restroom key attachment device from the big companies that’ll wind up being more than you need. Don’t do it, Susan! May I invite you out to our showroom off the Gerald Ford Causeway east of Route 84? There you’ll be free to roam our wide selection of R.K.A.T.C.s (restroom key anti-theft concepts) in an unhurried fashion. We’ve got everything from bricks in three different sizes to old dented license plates to our Executive Line for the small business on the move. Ever seen a restroom key attached to an actual, working, fully populated fish tank? You will when you visit the showroom! No, no, ha, I’m kidding of course. Actually the strangest object we sell for you to attach your restroom key to is a yardstick painted orange. But don’t just choose us for the selection. It’s our service plans that truly set us apart. I’m sure you’re not used to dealing with a company that will repair the object you attach your restroom key to AT NO CHARGE for two years, and no doubt you’ll look at me with a mixture of fear and pity when I tell you that with each sale I make comes my personal cell phone number, which you can call AT ANY TIME regarding your changing R.K.A.T.C. needs. Want to report a problem, or need a product demo, or just want to talk about how your store’s growth will change what you look for in the thing that your restroom key is attached to? Just call me. I guarantee, Susan, that no matter what time of day or night, I won’t be doing anything more interesting than making sure you have the restroom key thingie that you desire.
Oh….why yes, I am ready to check out, actually. Indeed, I know this is a lot of Seek-A-Word magazines, but you see, I possess a great deal of downtime between sales calls. So much so, in fact, that I confess that I’m thinking of starting my very own business that manufactures, distributes, and services objects that small businesses can hook their restroom keys to. Would you like to help me choose a name for it, perhaps over dinner tonight? What’s that you say? Well, I know you’re not an actual person and that I’ve been talking to a picture of Doris Lessing on the back of a book for the last few minutes. But do you not love me all the same, my sweet? Eh? Eh? If you’re not happy with me, I can be even crazier …anything for you, butterfly….shall I flutter my index finger against my lips to make a bubba-beeba-bubba-beeba sound so as to bring my dangerous insanity into sharper relief for passersby, just the way you like? Yes, yes, my pet, of course we can simply go home. But I’m not watching X-Men again. Here’s a bit of information that might interest you: it’s only good if you’re an idiot, okay?