You Talked...and the Blog Listened!

We've pored over your responses to his blog and discovered that the one thing you want more than anything else is for the blog to simply cease! And so it shall for a short time while we regroup out of respect for your wishes. Yes, according to your explicitly-communicated desires, there will be nothing here at all for a brief period! Democracy works! See you in December!

Guest Blogger: A Maple Leaf in Autumn

A maple leaf in autumn here with my thoughts about the ongoing presidential election. Note to the Democratic candidates: since when did it become fashionable to divert the public's attention away from the real issues facing this country in order to simply trash an opponent in the media? It seems that every----whoa, I'm sorry, just a second, let's just let this wind gust do its thing here...okay, settling, settling....very nice, okay, I'm good. But to focus on Barack Obama for a moment, it grows increasingly disturbing that---- oh, Christ, here we go, I'm sorry, let me just ride this next breeze out for a minute. Okay, tumbling, tumbling...I'm really sorry about this, it's going to be just a few more seconds. I'm sure I'll be able to focus once I brush against these last two trash cans....there we go. No big deal. Wait....Jesus, this is actually a bigger one than I thought. Ah crap, I'm going all the way across the damn street, I just know it. Drifting, drifting....I do apologize, you've got to give me maybe fifteen more seconds. All right, we are officially good to go unless I get caught in this little crosswind going by this guy's pant leg....no, I'm set. I'm set. We can go back to discussing Obama, the always over-hyped, deceptively cynical choice of HOLY GOD, WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHY AM I TWENTY FEET IN THE AIR? WAS THAT A FREAKING TRACTOR TRAILER THAT JUST WENT BY? ISN'T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A RESIDENTIAL STREET? WHAT THE HELL IS HE EVEN DOING HERE? BOOT UP THE TEN YEAR OLD COMPUTER YOU BOUGHT AT GOODWILL AS AN ANNIVERSARY GIFT FOR YOUR WIFE AND USE YOUR DIAL-UP MODEM TO LEARN ABOUT MAPQUEST, YOU MORON. I'm going to be a while, do you want to get back to me about this? What I need is to get wedged somewhere and I'll be able to get my thoughts together. I'm probably going to settle in that big field over there and that pretty much guarantees I'll be all over the damn place all afternoon. OKAY, I COULD DEFINITELY DO WITHOUT THE SIDESWIPING BY THE SKINNY DUDE'S BICYCLE TIRE. NEWS FLASH, ICHABOD: YOUR LITTLE BLACK PANTS DO NOT MAKE YOU LANCE ARMSTRONG, SO YOU CAN SLOW DOWN FOR THAT STOP SIGN. NOBODY MINDS THAT YOU'RE JUST SOME SOFTWARE GEEK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRY TO BE TOUR-DE-FRANCE-MAN ON SUNDAYS BEFORE YOU HIT WHOLE FOODS FOR PORTOBELLO MUSHROOMS AND VITAMIN WATER. AND NO, YOU WILL NOT BE MEETING ANY WOMEN THERE. YES, THEY'RE IN EVERY AISLE, BUT THEY'LL BE TALKING TO YOU WHEN EXACTLY, DINGUS?

Man, I'm in a seriously bad mood today. Trial keeps getting postponed. I just don't know what the prosecution is waiting for. Those cattle aren't getting any deader, you know what I mean?

Curious Dealings With the Feminine Kind

Yeah, it’s weird. I’m not sure what keeps happening with Pippagail. The same exact episode repeated itself again on Thursday. After dinner we sat down on the sofa and I had my little speech memorized about how we seemed to be growing apart because she’s allowing the pressures of her job to stress her out and forget about what’s really important, which is the bond that the two of us share, but instead all that came out when I opened my mouth was

BITCH MAKE ME WAFFLES

I just can’t tell you why that came out and not the part about the growing apart and the job stresses and the bond. It was pretty much an exact repeat of September and the deep talk we were supposed to have about our finances, and the fact that we would have to start doing some serious budgeting in order to be able to afford that vacation to Paris we had always dreamed about. We were sitting in front of the computer and I had literally booted up the budgeting software I’d bought from Staples, and instead of saying, “Honey, I want you to take you through this so that we can better get the things we want with the money we have,” out came

BITCH MAKE ME WAFFLES

So again, I’m at a loss. This is the seventh time this has happened, and frankly, I keep getting louder and more forceful when I say to Pippagail

BITCH MAKE ME WAFFLES

I can’t help but think I’m failing somehow to move our relationship forward every time my good intentions are wiped out with my last-second departure from the pre-arranged conversation. All I have to show for my efforts are two broken noses and six nights sleeping over at my brother’s house. But I can’t seem to stop myself. Maybe I have that disease, that what-do-you-call-it, the thing where winter brings you down a little bit. Because, you know, it gets dark early and the lack of light does something. That could be what it is. Or I could eat more grapes. All I know is that I truly do not possess the inner fortitude at this time to alter my behavior through natural means. Kind of like my secret effigy-burning phase two years ago. Man, it just felt so sweet to burn an effigy when absolutely no one was looking. That feeling that I didn't need to be surrounded by others to enjoy it....it’s tough to describe. It made alcoholism seem so pedestrian somehow, you know?