Write it down. No, seriously, write it down.

This is an official DECLARATION, made on the twenty-eighth day of MARCH, 2007, that I, SOREN NARNIA, wish to declare my UNHAPPINESS and GENERAL DISSATISFACTION with the state of my head. This unhappiness extends to and includes all things connected to my head, both in their individual parts and in sum total. To be more detailed, I wish to make it known in writing that I am displeased with the following aspects of the head in question:

1) its structure and shape,
2) the eyes, ears, nose and mouth thereon,
3) the volume and pitch of the sounds which emanate from the head via the throat, which is, for the purposes of this declaration, to be considered part of the head,
4) the hair which is seen to cover the head, except in parts where it does not, its nature being rather dry and unruly, no matter what kind of shampoo I try,
5) the ideas which have been generated within the cranium dating back to elementary school, including the idea for the Milk Laser, which I don’t care to hear mentioned again, and
6) the selection of ballcaps which, separate from the head, seem like good ideas at the time but which, upon contact with the head, seem always to fit awkwardly, God only knows why.

At this time, I understand that there is little I can do to change the state of my head, but this document will nevertheless be signed, notarized, and filed in order to avert possible future misunderstandings about my continued low regard for it, and to completely absolve myself of blame when the head either appears or performs in less than a satisfactory way from this day forward. My head and I are to be considered two DISPARATE entities, with my self neither approving of or responsible in any way for its generated content, either intellectual or physical. Pursuant to, um….yes, that is correct. At this time, the case is, the case is what I have just described, and there is no more here. For you.