Eh, It Happens.
TO: Employees of Google – Production Department
FROM: Terence M., VP of Quality Control
To everyone involved in the ongoing bug fix:
I don’t want to see a single one of you in cafeterias 5, 7, or 8 until the bug solution has been found. I am dead serious about this. I want you going over every line of code ever written in the history of network computing and I don’t want your eyelids to touch each other once until you’re done. No one is to even get up from your chair unless your appendix is bursting through your left nostril. Another 120 million searches today lost and another thousand headlines in newspapers across America. We are the TOP STORY ON CNN, PEOPLE, so NO ONE leaves this damn office until THIS BUG IS FIXED. I see NO REASON for this nightmare to continue into a third day. If, at five this afternoon, I type “Baltimore Orioles” or “fix my Chevy” or “best date movie” OR EVEN “RAUNCHY SLIMY GOAT SEX” INTO GOOGLE AND I GET A LINE OF TEXT BACK THAT SAYS “Did you mean ‘Hal Linden’?” I WILL BURN DOWN THIS ENTIRE COMPLEX. SOMEONE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE OUR SEARCH ENGINE STOP ASKING PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD IF THEY MEANT HAL LINDEN. OUR ADVERTISERS ARE BAILING OUT ALL AROUND US AND OUR NAME HAS BECOME A LAUGHINGSTOCK AND THE ONLY PERSON ON EARTH WHO DOESN’T THINK THIS COMPANY IS GOING TO GO UNDER BY SATURDAY IS THE ONE LOSER IN BUTTNECK, IDAHO WHO IS ACTUALLY DOING A SEARCH ON HAL LINDEN. WE ALL LOVED BARNEY MILLER, PEOPLE, BUT IF I SEE THE PHRASE “Did you mean ‘Hal Linden’?” ONE MORE TIME ON A GOOGLE SCREEN, I WILL CALL ON SATAN HIMSELF TO SUCK YOUR SOULS THROUGH A KRAZY STRAW. I JUST TRIED TO USE OUR MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR SEARCH ENGINE TO RESEARCH HOW TO MOW DOWN EVERY OVERPRICED TECHNICIAN IN THE BUILDING WITH A RUSSIAN SUBMACHINE GUN AND IT ASKED ME “Did you mean ‘Hal Linden’?” AND I’M TEMPTED TO SAY YES, I DID MEAN HAL LINDEN, BECAUSE ONLY HIS STERN BUT WARM-HEARTED PERSONA CAN POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND THE DEPTHS OF THE ETERNAL WRETCHED PAIN I AM EXPERIENCING AT THIS MOMENT BECAUSE OF YOU PRINGLES-MUNCHING, SUPER MARIO-PLAYING RETARDS!!!
P.S. The winner of the pumpkin decorating contest is Sarah Hardy.