I've Discovered Cocaine!

Wowwwwwwwwww, did I ever just discover something super-spectacular! You may know it as cocaine, but as far as I’m concerned, its name should be Genie in a Bottle, because it made all my wishes come true yesterday! I cannot believe that all of you were holding out on me for so long and not letting me in on this stupendous treat. If we all weren’t such great friends, I’d be really miffed. You, Ralph, you scamp, you did coke in the eighties---nice job keeping me away from it all these years! But the secret is out and I am all over it. And Paula---didn’t your brother get seriously into the stuff a few years ago? Let me know if you hear from him again, because he and I have oodles to talk about! Man, what a delight cocaine is! I’m still trying to find a flaw. In fact, while the experience is still fresh in my mind, let me quantify my happiness with this once-in-a-lifetime product:

Price: A. More than reasonable.
Intake: A-. An easy inhale and I was on my way!
Experience: A+. I felt like I was on top of the world for six straight hours, like anything was possible. I had more energy than I’ve had in years and everything seemed exciting and new!
Cleanup: B+. A little leftover residue on the keyboard of the pipe organ almost made Father Donovan stop his sermon and ask me what was going on, but I managed to get almost all of it into my paper clip tray so he just kept talking and it wasn’t wasted.
Overall grade: A big old A!!

Again, I simply could not be more satisfied with my cocaine experience, and I’m really looking forward to ingesting some more this weekend---if not sooner! So I bet you're asking: would I recommend cocaine to a friend? Hey, that’s like asking if I would recommend finding a million dollars on the street to a friend. The answer is: Duh!