Notes from the Underground
From: Major Bill Torgison, Neptune Sector
To: Admiral Leonard Consonant, Commander of Secret Folders and Doings
Let me again apologize for the accidental misplacement of all the papers, files, disks, videos, and photographs containing information relating to the observations and experiments completed at Area 51 between 1948 and 2005. I have several calls put in to Ten Guys Moving Stuff, the company I contracted to transfer all these items to Area 57, but I have only slim hopes that anything will ever be recovered, as it specifically states in the company's contract that unless a claim for missing property is filed within 24 hours, they are not responsible for any losses, and as we now know, Sandra down in the office didn't get around to calling them until almost two full days had gone by.
If it is any consolation, I can sum up the decades-long work in Area 51 for you fairly quickly. It all boils down to a couple of basic facts: firstly, the aliens, before they chose to cease their own life functions in October (rather rudely in my opinion), had been surreptitiously studying our society from afar for thousands of years, and secondly, they insisted that they just plain disliked everything about humankind except the part near the end of "Faithfully" when Steve Perry starts to go "Whoh-oh-whoh-ohhh....whoh-oh whoh-ohhh-ohhhhh....." They really seemed to enjoy that a lot, and never seemed to listen to that song without shedding a tear at that point in it. "Life on the road must be really hard, even if you're a rock star," Korgot the Elder often said, wiping his eyes. And that's pretty much the long and the short of what we learned from the aliens. Pretty humbling. Pretty humbling.
P.S. Please note also that Area 51 is now available for picnicking and other special events with a $25.refundable deposit.