The Thing That Happened
Look, in about five minutes the phone's going to ring and you're going to hear about the little problem that just happened out there in the press room. And Mr. President, I just don't know what to say. I guess "I'm sorry" won't really cut it. I don't know what came over me. I mean, when I got up this morning I felt fine. A little nervous, sure, but generally I thought I had it together. But when I got up there at the podium and there were all those reporters there and the White House seal and everything, I guess I got overanxious. You know, it's your first day as the President's press secretary, you just really want to impress, you want to make a splash. So I started talking, and the first few questions seemed to go okay, I told everyone that stuff about North Korea and the national debt....I did pretty well on those, I have a good memory, really. And then some guy from the Wall Street Journal said, "What economic initiatives is the President spear-heading?" and I just sort of froze up a little. I know I was supposed to mention the steel industry and interest rates. Believe me, I know it. You and I went over that many times. But the next thing I knew, I had said something about....um.....well, for some reason I told everyone that within the next six months, every man, woman, and child in America would possess his or her own personal aircraft so we could all motor around the sky miles above the ground. It just slipped out. I have no clue where I got that from. I mean, as far as I know, nobody's even working on something like that. And then the part where I told everyone that the government would be giving these supposed floating vehicles away for free....with free tune-ups when necessary and a low-cost soy-based fuel available at stilt-supported stations that will also sell soda, chips, and magazines ....again, I am very sorry. I might not be the best man for this job after all. A competent person just doesn't stand in front of the media and say "This President vows to all citizens that come summer, no one will ever have to operate a car again" or "The long sad history of congested street and highway traffic will be a laughable memory by August at the very latest." You deserve better than that. You deserve better than some fool going on and on about how all Americans should "burn their cars, now, right now, in every available public square, for soon we will all be cloud-borne sky-conquerors!" I'll just work the next few press conferences until you can find a suitable replacement, and then I'll go back to the Treasury Department where I belong. Do you know who I should talk to about carrying my health insurance over? Is it Jill in HR? Is it still her?