Missed Opportunities for Lasting Greatness

What follows is a transcript of my first-ever attempt to play a practical joke. I have accepted my failure and do not wish to discuss it further.

(phone rings)

MAN ON PHONE: This is the Oakland Mills Safeway, where this week only, a gallon of cool refreshing Poland Spring filtered water is on sale for just ninety-nine cents when you sign up for a Safeway Bonus Card. Gene speaking, can I help you?

ME (trying not to giggle): Do you have....hee hee....Prince Albert in a can?

MAN ON PHONE: Just a second, sir, I'll type that into our online database to see if we have it in stock. What category of food would that fall under?

ME: Well....I don't....

MAN ON PHONE: That's all right, I'll just do a keyword search. It'll be just a second. That's A-l-b-e-r-t, right?

ME: Right. But, um, if you could just give me a yes or no answer now, then I can.....

MAN ON PHONE: It'll be just a minute. Sorry for the delay.


MAN ON PHONE: I'm sorry, I'm having a little trouble booting up the database, sometimes this computer is a little slow....

ME: Well....why don't we just forget----

MAN ON PHONE: Here we go. Ah.....just a few more seconds.....okay, Prince Albert in a can....ah, we don't carry that here, but it can be delivered to the store nearest you from our Landover warehouse. There's no obligation to you, it would simply be a courtesy. We could even alert you via e-mail when it's checked into stock. Just give me your zip code and I'll start the process.

ME: But it's Prince Albert in a can, right? Well, ha, in that case you'd better let him---

MAN ON PHONE: Actually, I see here a little notation that it's not in a can. We have Prince Albert in a well ventilated, microwaveable plastic container. It's the same price, and you're getting extra value since these containers weigh ten percent more. All part of Safeway's new commitment to customer service!

ME: Well ventilated. Okay. Um....that's it, I guess. Thanks for your help.

MAN ON PHONE: Certainly, sir. Thank you for calling Safeway.

(hangs up)


ME: You suck.