Harmless, My Hijinks Are

We were all at the corner of 12th & G at the height of rush hour. Me and a bunch of total strangers. We waited there for what seemed like three or four minutes with the traffic whizzing by, unable to cross, and finally I'd just had it, dammit. I turned to my fellow commuters and spread my arms and said:

"People, we are citizens of this country, and as such, we have inalienable rights. But even more importantly, we are charged on a daily basis with exhibiting the internal strength that democracy brings. Inside each one of us lies the ability to act boldly where oppressed souls might shrink away from risk. We now find ourselves in a situation which demands action, not compromise. We can stand here all day and let these vehicles take from us what it rightfully ours, or we can rise up---rise up like the great abolitionists, the great suffragettes, the great freedom fighters---and stake our claim to the other side of this street, as we were born to do, as we were meant to do. Who among you will follow me now, right now, and live in the rarefied air of the giants of history, remembered as valiant and true while those who remain behind find their names lost quietly to the ages? I challenge you all to join me in this great task---come, patriots, come, countrymen, let us walk forward and know what it means to be an American, and unafraid!"

And then, looking upon all their beaming and confident faces, I took a half-step off the sidewalk and then jumped back again, totally juking them all. I started laughing, but then two guys in grey suits got absolutely creamed by a Ford Festiva, and I had to sort of skulk away, whistling and pretending I hadn't seen anything.

Oh, so you're going to give me that look now. I see. Fine. I'm getting some cherry ice cream.