Me in the Biz? It Could Happen.

SEVERAL MOVIES I COULD HAVE RUINED IN ABOUT FIVE SECONDS, AND HOW, IF THEY HAD ONLY LET ME

Lord of the Rings
Frodo discovers Sudoku halfway through the adventure and from that point on can’t even be bothered to look up from the goddamn page once in a while

Spiderman
It’s found out that Peter didn’t get his powers because he was bitten by a spider; he got his powers because he had sex with one. Spends rest of movie pretty much alone.

Borat
Disinterment of Richard Burton’s corpse stretches boundaries of good taste a liiiiiiiiiittle bit too far

Apocalypse Now
Outdated MapQuest directions make Willard so mad he’s just not in the mood for Kurtz’s babbling when he gets to Cambodia; tells him to zip it, drop forty pounds, and get a job in e-mail marketing

Casino Royale
Villain with European accent and weird eye replaced by a more subtle form of treachery: stagnant third world wages

The Natural
Roy Hobbs sees manager calling for a drag bunt at the end, reluctantly tries to lay one down, fouls away a third strike to end series, blasts teammates in the media

To Kill a Mockingbird
Atticus cuts a plea deal, gets his client’s charge down to aggravated sexual assault, calls it a day

Heat
DeNiro gunned down by Pacino not in field behind airport but in Intro to Spanish class at local community college (turns out DeNiro’s character only needs six more credits to get an A.A. degree)

Little Miss Sunshine
Kill off the best actor in the cast halfway through the movie just for the sake of some cheesy dead-body gags (oh, wait, they actually did that)

March of the Penguins
Keep first half intact, change second half into a shot-by-shot remake of the remake of Psycho

The Shining
Insert forty-nine minute prologue depicting management gently coaxing a very drunk Martin Mull from third floor suite

My Dinner With Andre
Halfway through the main course, Wallace Shawn starts going off on how much the Yankees rule; Andre Gregory, Pirates fan, throws extremely hot coffee in his face

Saving Private Ryan
Make Private Ryan re-define the word “flaming”