Microsoft Vista Patches List, 2/1

Vista---worth the money? Well, it definitely is if you’re like me---well-connected to a very high-placed sales rep at PC Magazine who sold me his copy for $35 and my DVD of Leprechaun, which, friends and neighbors, I’ve had for so long that he’s forgotten IT’S ACTUALLY HIS (SCORE!!) But predictably, Bill Gates’s newest offering is full of problems. Simply right-click on each patch to download fixes for common problems with the latest over-hyped OS.

PATCH 32-D-9/8SH
Solves a common privacy complaint by stopping Microsoft Word 2007 from pointlessly predicting how many verbs a user will type in the coming calendar year and instantly posting this prediction on his or her MySpace page.

PATCH 73/LS.3.23
No matter what a user tries, Microsoft Vista will always greet him or her as “Tippi Gibbs” for the duration of the life of the computer. This patch cannot fix this bug, but it will block the name on the screen with a small .bmp image of the Peanuts gang.

Remote EyePoker 2.0 cannot support certain types of digital poking wands manufactured by Dell; this patch allows mutually consenting users to poke each other in the eye over the Internet with any company’s wand as long as it syncs with Access. Microsoft has announced its intention to discontinue Remote EyePoker for future Windows editions due to lack of interest.

Deletes the unfortunate “Post Social Security Number Directly to Google Search” command from Internet Explorer.

When attempting to create an archival subfolder for contact storage in Outlook‘s calendar, a double click currently cues a bug that causes the voice of Vincent Price to scream deafeningly through the user’s speakers, cackling “APPLE PIE FOR EVERYONE, APPLE PIE FOR EVERYONE, BOTH THE LIVING AND THE DEAD!” again and again. All this patch actually does is increase the volume of Price’s voice, should the user desire it.

PATCH 34/2/545
One of Vista’s more vital applications sifts through personal data entered by a user and isolates which of the user’s friends are most likely to start pestering them about maybe getting together next weekend and “throwing something together that we can post on YouTube.” This patch effectively blocks instant messages from all those deemed YouTube project risks.

Vista claims to be filled with features and programs that can help young people realize their dream of starting a web-based business. This patch identifies all such applications and wipes them off the hard drive immediately upon first boot-up, for the betterment of humanity.