I Will, In Fact, 'Bring It On'

Hello faithful readers! I’m back after an extended vacation. I used the time to do many things, including spending six months developing and launching my daily podcast about which actors have been the best Draculas. But more importantly, I came to the very calculated realization that you, dear reader, need to get remorselessly pounded, and now.

This may come as an unpleasant surprise to you, I’m sure, and certainly you’re bound to have many questions about the remorseless pounding you are about to receive. While the only thing that is absolutely certain at this point is that the pounding will be A) remorseless and B) physically painful, I’m currently unable to give you all the information I’d like to about this imminent action. But let’s see if I can answer at least some of the questions you might have:

1. Why have I been singled out to be remorselessly pounded?

When considering who would receive a good pounding, I analyzed no less than six hundred pages of data and formulas, and I also examined detailed accounts of your personal history as it pertains to me. The final selection process took weeks. Rest assured, there was very little left to chance in your selection. I take this action very seriously, as I’m sure that you do yourself.

2. Is there any way to avoid the pounding now that it has been officially announced?

I’m sorry, but at this time, there is no option but to submit to the violence which will soon be applied to you, by me. Certain exceptions may be made in case of illness or scheduling conflicts, but these must be submitted in writing no later than next Tuesday.

3. I’ve been remorselessly pounded by you before. How will this frightful incidence of pain and suffering be different from the last time?

If you have, in fact, been pounded by me before, your familiarity with the routine should alleviate most of the pre-pounding stress. As before, you do not need to bring anything special to the pounding, and you should plan to wear casual, comfortable clothing. Although you may notice some changes this time around, the general sequence of what is about to happen to you again will be quite similar to the last time I absolutely destroyed you so that you would finally start to see the light, get it, and fall into line.

4. What are some good web links to get more information?

CNN.com offers daily descriptions of casual violence from around the world, some of which will give you a good idea of what’s in store for you. If you’re looking for good places to eat before or after I put a monstrous whupping on you, check out About.com’s regional restaurant guidebook.

That’s all there is to it! Thanks for submitting peacefully to the pounding. Hope to see you there!