Who Needs Friends When You Have CBS?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again---best show on television. It is the BEST show on television. Last week’s episode was the finest ever. Vortmann TOTALLY destroyed the serial killer’s arguments in the courtroom, just when it seemed like Vortmann’s crackerjack staff of legal eagles had finally come up short. Then Vortmann walked with his employees to share a victory drink at McTippy’s when he fell into the harbor! The last twenty minutes of the episode were just of the paramedics and the police and the fire department coming to rescue him from the watery deep. Good stuff. He felt so foolish for having fallen in, it really eased the tension of the episode and made you feel better about the world. That one was even better than last week when Vortmann reduced that corrupt sheriff to tears before a hushed jury, once again salvaging victory from the jaws of defeat. He went right back to his penthouse apartment to have it out with Joyce about her affair with Todd when he fell into his tub and nearly drowned! A full twenty-two screen minutes of edge-of-your-seat suspense ensued as the emergency squad arrived and pulled Vortmann from a watery fate. He looked so grateful. I have that one on Tivo if you want to watch it. Actually, if you want the complete truth, I wasn’t completely crazy about last season’s finale. The whole plot line with the seemingly innocent mother who couldn’t have possibly killed her husband had a few too many implausibilities for my taste, even though the way Vortmann devised that brilliant closing argument and tricked her into lying on the stand was great. The episode didn’t gel for me until the second half, when Vortmann was walking back from the courtroom and he took that wrong turn and stumbled and fell into that millionaire’s pool, and the police had to come and dive in and haul him out with the help of those EMTs. The whole process took so long, it felt like you were really there! I love that jittery camerawork when Vortmann has to be rescued and that documentary-style editing that makes it seem so real, like Vortmann really might not get rescued this time. And the fact that the rescue people always seem so calm, even bored through the whole thing---that’s so authentic, like they see this so often their hearts have become jaded. There was really only one time I didn’t think Vortmann was going to survive. There was an episode where he got into a verbal sparring match with an evil judge that landed him in prison overnight and then he had to dig deep into his own past for the solution to how he was going to cross-examine some terrorist guy. That time he didn’t even get out of the courthouse when fate struck---he slipped and went down into a big vat of warm dishwater in the state employees’ cafeteria and nearly didn’t ever get out! But the fire department really came through with an excellent response time and in the end everything was okay and they put Vortmann’s usual blue blanket that they keep in the truck around his shoulders and he was all shivery and apologetic but he lived to fight another day. The whole rescue part only took about a quarter of the show, but I was still riveted.

So yes, anyway, I would like to buy some marijuana from you at this time. I’m not really sure how this works. I’ll just follow your lead if that’s okay. I have a great deal of money on me and I’m willing to pay pretty much whatever you suggest.

What do you mean, you’ve never even heard of it? You’ve never heard of Vortmann in the Court? What is wrong with you? They don’t have TV in Addis Ababa?