Writin' Gon' Be My Ticket Outta Here
Welcome, everyone, to February’s edition of THE ADX-FLORENCE TATTLER….let’s get right to the dish! Yours truly was most surprised to see JERRY D in the lunch line on Wednesday sporting a NEW forearm tattoo depicting a bloody phoenix rising from the ashes….I wonder whose idea THAT was, Jerry---certainly it couldn’t have been MIKE MIKE, whose recent stint in Solitary reportedly gave him some great new ideas for body art….according to a reliable Tattler source, NATE EGGS is none too happy with his new roommate, a saucy arsonist from Wisconsin who ruffled Nate’s feathers merely by suggesting he try Sudoku….lighten up, Nate, it’s going to be a long forty years here in ADX City! Meanwhile, everyone’s favorite Native American gang down in Block 7 has a new leader thanks to a mysterious moonlight burial orchestrated by lead screw ROBERT “HARD BASTARD” TALLMAN. Everyone shout out a big Welcome and Good Luck to TERRY REDFEATHER---he’s gonna need it, though at least he’ll always have a friend in the Tattler as long as he remains so delightfully accessible for interviews…Feed-up has a new face, in case you haven’t noticed, as assistant cafeteria server (NAME UNKNOWN) has moved on from the prison service after just two weeks of working here to take a grounds maintenance job at Ridgely Nissan, just a mile or so outside the wall…(NAME UNKNOWN) is best remembered for his infectious grin and his role in breaking up the January 30 riot in which JACKET BOY took a fork in the eye---an injury which has only boosted Boy higher up the list of ADX-Flo’s Most Intriguing Newcomers (amazing what a little danger will do for you)! Finally, even though our inmate population has one of the most tragically low rates of family visitation (me included, faithful readers---wonder where that mother of mine disappeared to since that single drive over here seven years ago?), ADX-Florence did have one very special guest on the 14th, as CUPID decided to fly in and shoot his mischievous arrows into the heart of none other than the perennially feared WARDEN FRANKLIN, who, claims super snitch RALPH THE NECK, proposed to his fiancée over the weekend. Congrats, Warden---and we hope Betsy will lighten your mood somewhat and maybe even convince you that your Month of Darkness and Silence decree may be a little over the top, even for you!
That’s it for this month, folks---can’t wait till March, when I’ll start taking votes for the Annual Tattler Awards. There’s two new categories this year, Most Misunderstood Loner and Biggest Screwing By The System. Dropped from the awards list is Best Actually Available Board Game On The List Of Board Games We Can Supposedly Check Out From The Library, as Risk has pretty much vanished without a trace. Hey, serial killer and Risk aficionado BOB GANT, you wouldn’t know anything about this, would you---or is it just human feet you like to hide from the authorities (did I say that???)